Use Your Words like Your life Depended on them

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Is it Me, or what???

Every individual is different, even identical twins, although may look the same can sometimes be polar opposites. The beauty of the natural world is that we are not designed to be carbon copies of each other. So why is it that we are prone to changing people, seeing them through a veil of how we think they should be rather than who they really are?

I have some single friends who are amazing, strong, and independent. And yet when they are in a relationship they are anything but strong and independent. In as much as they want to be in a healthy relationship, their relationships tend to end, and often with heartbreak.

I am often asked for advice and I try to facilitate an opening for them to avoid the pit falls in their relationships. As an outside observer, it is easier to observe the same patterns that take them down the same path resulting in the same outcomes over and over again. However, if they are not open to listening, you can talk until you are blue in the face and it would not make a bit of difference. But sometimes...

The other day I was being the dutiful friend, listening to woes of disappointment of another friend's failed relationship. Then out of the blue, my friend asks, " is it me? am I to blame? Am I that clingy? " I immediately thought, I can't tell the truth, not when she is so miserable. But I thought, well if I don't tell her the truth, who will?

So I said, yes, it is you. It is your actions that created this out come which is the same out come as your last relationship. But I hasten to add, sometimes we pick the wrong partners, and we have to acknowledge it and move on. If there is no match, no one is at fault, but you have to be truthful to yourself and be able to access when it is not working for you. Don't try to change the other person, accept who they are and maybe they are not the person you need in your life at this juncture.

At the end of the day, you have only one life. And don't you want that life to be happy, content, and fulfilling? Know that you deserve that life and don't be afraid that yes, occasionally you do make the wrong choices, but don't beat yourself up about it. Finally, stop playing that tape over and over in your head. You know the one, the one that goes over every incident that went wrong in the relationship. What you said or did, what he said or did, etc...


Carol Omer said...

Too true Angelina! Dr Barbara De Angelis has a great article that I share in women's personal development groups. I have seen several women have a big 'ah ha' moment after reading the article.

It is based on the premise that we are always re-creating the familiar...'familiy~are' feelings of old. We are 'going home' when we recreate a sense of e.g. not being listened to, feeling inadequate, finding love is elusive etc.
Itis not 'balme the parents' but an insight into how magnetic our core feelings of self worth are.

Even though the article is specifically for women who are attracted to the 'bad boys' it is well worth sharing with your friends.

It is article no 2 on the list in the following link...:

Carol ;-)

E. Angelina said...

Thank you Carol.